'Husband has walked out on me again but he's blaming childhood trauma'

Dear Coleen

A couple of weeks ago, my husband asked if we could have a serious conversation, so we went for a walk together and he told me he wants to move out and get a .

There’s no one else involved and he claims he wants to be on his own, as he’s not happy being married. I’m worried he’s depressed or having some kind of midlife crisis (we’re both in our 40s).

We don’t have children, which is a blessing, but I feel so hurt and rejected. It’s not the first time he’s done something like this. Eight years ago, just a year after we married, he walked out and said he needed to “find himself” and hated feeling restricted by marriage.

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I was heartbroken then, too, but he came back after a few weeks and asked to try again, blaming his and absentee dad. I don’t think he’s properly dealt with issues from his ­childhood, which is probably why we’re in this situation and why he never wanted his own kids. I feel I’ve sacrificed a lot to be with him, including being a parent, while he can just walk out on me so easily.

I don’t know how serious he is this time, but I’d welcome any ideas on how I can cope.

Coleen says

If he leaves this time and then decides he wants to come home, I wouldn’t agree to it unless he starts individual therapy or to deal with his past and how it’s affecting your relationship.

Otherwise, it’s beginning to develop into a pattern of ­behaviour – when he feels ­overwhelmed he walks out, but knows you’ll have him back. That situation isn’t good for either of you. So, I think you need to make it clear that if he leaves and then changes his mind, he can’t walk back into your life without some form of professional help.

He’s obviously spoken to you about his troubled childhood, but you’re not a professional and you’re too involved and emotionally attached. The truth is, if you don’t deal with your demons, it’s going to impact your relationships. It’s interesting that your husband keeps walking out, just like his dad did when he was a kid.

I broke up with my last partner because I realised I didn’t want to be with anyone full time and it was hard for my ex to accept, but I started having therapy to help me work out what I do need going forward.

I think it’s time for you to start thinking of yourself and your happiness. You can’t provide the help he needs but, also, you can’t blame him for the sacrifices you made because you chose to make them and you chose him.

Focus on moving on because you still have a lot of living to do and people to meet. Don’t let him hold you back from
this point on.